Interview with a Dominatrix

I recently had the pleasure of interviewing a married dominatrix, named Dee. I asked her some very personal questions and Dee handled them like a champ! She was extremely forthcoming about her lifestyle and her role in the BDSM community, Thanks Dee!…

CFLA: Can you please describe your role in the BDSM (bondage and discipline dominance and submission) community?

Dee: Now that social media have become a pre-eminent force in connecting people and promoting lifestyles, I have embraced the role of advocate for Female Led Relationships (FLR). I have found Twitter to be the best vehicle for what I do. The gatekeepers just appear to be more tolerant by far than the overlords of Facebook toward the kink and BDSM crowd.

Would you consider yourself a dominatrix?

I think of myself as my husband’s dominatrix and disciplinarian. He signaled me that this is what he wanted several years ago before we married, nervously at first. I took to it enthusiastically because it suits my nature. So it has become a fixture and the driving dynamic in our marriage.

Tell us about your introduction into the community, when did you first realize you were interested in dominating?

The initiation so to speak happened when my then-boyfriend threw a fit while were with friends at a dinner party. He ran off at the mouth, disparaging my own comments on a couple of topics and just generally striking a macho pose. NOT the thing to do around me! So I invited him in at the end of the night and told him how angry I was at his shabby treatment of me. He asked what he could do to make up for it. I told him he would never see me again unless he was punished for his rudeness. I sat on the sofa while he stood next to me, apologizing. “That’s good but not good enough. You need a good spanking. Take your pants down!” When he unbuckled his trousers, little did we know it would be the start of a marriage! I turned him over my knee, spanked him hard with my hand and promised him that there was plenty more where that came from before I let him off my lap. He was humiliated but rock-hard. And I sent him home that way! From that moment on, I was in charge.

Tell us about your relationship with your husband and how it functions as you being the disciplinarian, do things always function this way – (does your sexual life trickle into real life)?

They have merged into one, really. One of the best ways I know of to hold a man’s interest, to keep him enthralled, is to indirectly address the naughty boy that lingers in men of all ages. The blogger Monica Wilder puts it well when she says that women should learn how to “spank the male mind.” To me, that means letting my husband know that he is always one screwup away from a potential spanking. A signal word, a stern look or even a phrase like, “Keep this up and your pants are coming down, mister,” are very reinforcing. The stakes are higher now that I have both a wooden hairbrush and paddle at my disposal. Hand spankings are rare in our home now. We graduated to implements as time went by to emphasize the disciplinary role I adopted and which my husband has definitely welcomed. Our sex life differs from the usual mainly in that I emphasize his submissive tendencies in our intimacy. A perfect example: he loves to do oral sex in the 69 position. So I agreed to make that a regular part of our lovemaking with one condition. I insist that he be the one to bury his face in my pussy while I have the supremely enjoyable view of him from behind. He only gets to do the 69 in reverse, with his butt spread apart and his lovely balls dangling for me. I still suck him but on my terms. And I am free to insert a finger up his ass. It all plays into my taking control and believe me, when you control a man’s butt, you control the man.

Sexually, do you change things up a lot? Switch roles, involve other people or couples etc?

No, switching would only confuse matters. A wife-led marriage needs to be consistent, I think. We don’t involve other people though I have no moral qualms about it. To each his own but I like to keep people informed about our relationship without involving others in the activities themselves.

Are toys typically incorporated in sex?

I use a butt plug on him frequently for disciplinary purposes. He leans across the kitchen table and grabs the other side. Not only am I presented with my favorite view of his anatomy, I assert dominance by the very act of penetrating him with a toy that my husband associates with being punished. I scold him while he retains the plug for as long as it takes to make my point. And yes, I have taken him from behind many times using a nice dildo that caught my eye at the local adult superstore. That happens over the table, in bed, even in the bathtub.

How did you meet your husband?

When I was out clubbing with some girlfriends. Very typical story. Phone numbers on cocktail napkins. We are a cliché in that regard!

Do you have a ‘safe word’?

Yes. Everyone should.

Do you have any fun, tips/tricks for women who are interested in experimenting with BDSM?

Simply talk about what you like and want. I began my lifestyle because a crisis offered me an opportunity but open communication is the best way I can think of to get your needs met generally. As for a fun tip: Women should get very well-acquainted with their man’s prostate. Not just for kinky pleasure (the prostate is the Male G-Spot) but to keep him healthy. My husband knows he will get on all fours and “spread ’em” after a thorough cleaning out and a shower at least twice a month for a prostate milking. Highly erotic! And it makes men easier to live with as the release is non-orgasmic and quite humbling for them. I highly recommend this practice but only after ladies have done some research. Excellent articles on milking the prostate can be found on the Web. Prostate massage is another item however and should be used as a reward.

Do you interact with other friends in the BDSM community often?

Online, yes. I can’t believe how many men clamor for a cyber spanking or other sexual attentions. Tweets and e-mail are on the upswing. No actual meetings though. My husband is aware that these online encounters happen and he may have some of his own. I don’t make a big deal out of it. I have a sexy, satisfying marriage going after all!

Do your ‘vanilla’ friends/family know about this aspect of your life, or do they think you just have a REALLY well-behaved husband ? 🙂

Family has no clue. They just love my husband for being kind and polite. A few of my co-workers suspect that I spank him because we engage in teasing talk about our home lives or dates. My hubby IS well-behaved. But it’s a career keeping him that way. Men are naughty boys at heart, I believe. And they crave discipline from females on a deep level. All women ought to use that to their advantage.

Are there any common misconceptions about the BDSM community or being a female dom?

That we all are into latex and leather with high boots. We are not a stereotype. Some dominant women are not overt about it at all while others are a walking billboard for the lifestyle. Never good to assume too much.

Do you have a mentor or a dominatrix whom you idolize?

I wish that I could have met Bettie Page. She lived her life to the fullest. A great role-model.

Is there anything else you’d like to share with us?

Have fun with it! And please share with me on Twitter. I have two accounts:
@DomwifeDee
@SpankHim